Do you ever experience completely sleepless nights, when your mind absolutely will not let you sleep?
Do you ever stay up wondering and worrying about the point of life, and why we are here?
I am one of those people (especially after having children) who has a hard time going to sleep in general because of my “normal” worrying. I worry about my children, stress about my past, or something I said wrong, I replay every wrong thing I have done in my life repeatedly wondering if people remember my mistakes like I do. I worry about my marriage and if I am doing things right or wrong, I stress about the days to come and what I need to do different to better myself. My list could go on and on about the “normal” stresses and worries that I go over in my head before I finally drift off to sleep. These nights are annoying, but the thoughts normally end quick and result in a decent night’s sleep. (Apart from tending to the child that wakes up EVERY NIGHT of course)!
The nights I am talking about today are the nights when there is little to no sleep because the thoughts are more in-depth. What is the point of life? I feel like I can answer this question most of the time and know the answers in a biblical perspective. So why do I still have these panic-stricken nights where I stay up praying for God to take away these overwhelming thoughts? Do you ever feel this way?
When I look back (after the sleepless night), I can see a trend that happens before it sneaks in to steal my (oh so needed) sleep. In the days leading up to the sleepless night, I find myself feeling extra emotional. I look at my children and want to cry in guilt, as if all the hurt they will experience in their lives is my fault. I wish I could take this from them, I wish they never would have to feel sadness, depression, or anxiety. If you have every felt in these ways that I am describing, you understand how unbelievably overwhelming it can be. I hate that you have felt like this, but I want you to know that you are not alone.
These feelings might be common for you, or like me you will go weeks or sometimes months without getting in such deep thought about our meaning in life. Maybe you are a lucky one, and have never felt this way before and this post sounds insane to you. Whichever of these describes you, I want to let you know how I now deal with these thoughts and feelings (that I feel mainly came after having children).
When I have these sleepless nights, I wake up in the morning and search the bible for meaning. God shows us that our lives can have so much meaning, we must read his book to find it. We do have a meaning in life! We do have a purpose! God will show us this in his word, and in our lives, if we open our hearts to him and let him do his incredible work. This does not mean that these night will not happen from time to time, but I do think that we can use them to our benefit.
We can use these nights to spark an interest in our hearts, when we are wondering what our purpose is in life. Is God trying to show us that we are worth so much more? That we could be doing so many meaningful things with our lives, rather than constantly doing the same things over and over until one day we realize that we really did nothing meaningful with our lives? Could God be using these sleepless nights and overwhelming thoughts to make us see the big picture? So that we never have to feel the regret of a useless past of fixating our lives on things that truly do not matter.
What I am telling you, friends, is that you are not alone in this! There is a better way of dealing with it than swamping in a fit of depression. Read purpose filled bible verses (which is the bible in general), write down what fills your heart, and what changes you would like to make in this world? I am aware that we cannot make all the changes that our hearts desire, but we could absolutely make an impact on Gods great earth with the time that we are given. With this thought process, we will lead our children to do the same. With our guidance and experiences, they might never have to feel emptiness and not know how to handle it. We will teach the next generation that they are able to make a difference, that life does not have to be the same thing day after day and have no meaning behind it. We will teach them that we must take the lives that we are given, and make meaning and a purpose for our being. Leaving this place just a little bit better than it was the day that we came into it, because we found our God-given gifts and our purpose, and we did something with it.
What does your heart long for? Do you have a heart for adoption, to help widows, to help the needy, to teach people and children about God on mission trips, did you have a hard time in your past that you were able to get through because of the grace of God and you would like to help people with the same problems that didn’t get as lucky as you? Whatever it is that makes your heart beat a little faster or makes tears come to your eyes…maybe that is where your God-given gift is waiting on you. Find it. Research it. Brainstorm ways to help. Stop thinking about the people who will judge you (people will judge you no matter what you do, so don’t let it stop you). Yes, you might look “crazy” to certain people who don’t understand why you would fixate your life on helping others. Look past that, look toward the times when you will be so overfilled with joy, hope, and love that you will not care one bit about the negative judgement that some will place on you. Go for it, show yourself, your children, your family and friends how one person can be the change for many.
THERE WILL BE MANY UPS AND DOWNS, THE MAIN THING IS TO NEVER GIVE UP! YOU CAN FIND A SUPPORT GROUP HERE. WITH MAMAS WHO ARE IN THE SAME BOAT AS YOU, WITH NO JUDGEMENT. I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR STORIES!